What I never told you
by Raventear
Summary: While Natsuki is at the hospital after an accident, Mai goes to her place to pick up some things. There she finds a letter from Natsuki explaining to Mai what happened in her life during her years in Fuuka Academy. AU ShizNat representation. OneShot.


Mai opened the door of Natsuki's apartment, she walked into her room and started packing some of her stuff. Three hours ago Natsuki's mother had contact her to come to the hospital, Natsuki had a serious accident with her bike. After two long agonizing hours in the surgery Natsuki managed to escape danger, she had awakened from her drugged state half an hour ago and Mai offered to pick up some spare cloths from her apartment leaving Natsuki with her mother behind. Even though Natsuki had somewhat distanced herself the last four years, Mai always considered the blue-haired girl the closest friend she could ever had. Despite the latter's attempts to withdraw herself to isolation, Mai always poked and nudged her to be more social, she knew something serious was bothering her dearest childhood friend but Mai never pushed Natsuki to a confession. She knew rather well that if Natsuki didn't want to share something, forcing her would only result to seclusion from the blue-haired. She already had lost part of her friend when Natsuki transferred four years ago to another high-school to complete her last two years. Mai always thought something happened there that drove Natsuki to a more of loner than she was already, at least before that there wasn't any secrets between them. Mai could penetrate a little further of Natsuki's strong personal defenses and touch the sensitive emotions lurking in her heart.

But after their reunion two years ago things have changed, even though Natsuki felt Mai was still her best and only dear friend and Mai was acknowledging and returning that, there was an unseen barrier, an impermeable wall raised deep inside Natsuki, shielding her real thoughts and emotions from everyone. Even from Mai. The red-haired, believed at first this was because they spent two years apart. Things change between even best friends when they grow apart, especially during their transition from teenagers to adults and some readjustment and re-acquaintance time is needed to warm the relationship up and pick it where you left of. That though didn't happen between them, on the contrary the emotional distance between them grew wider, they still spent most of their daily free time together and chatted about their daily lives but Natsuki never ever mentioned what happened to her during her two years in Fuuka Academy. It was like the blue-haired never have been there or like she didn't want Mai to know what happened to her while she was there. Mai always thought the worst but daren't ask, she would wait for her friend to open up to her just like in the past, she would comfort and support her whichever way she could even if that meant she has to be kept in the dark and away from her best friend's two-yeared past.

Mai halted her thoughts and walked inside Natsuki's bedroom, all these feelings of anxiety had come back to haunt her three days ago when Natsuki's mother called to inform her about the accident. She couldn't place it in her heart but she inwardly believe the mishap was strongly related with what Natsuki kept secret from her, being best friend's intuition or her natural overwhelming concern she didn't know. She walked into the room and glanced around, sure Natsuki's room was a complete mess. Cloths, books, papers everywhere, nothing out of the ordinary for Natsuki anyway. She opened the wardrobe and pulled out a traveling bag, she packed several change of clothes, underwear, nightwear and whatever else she thought Natsuki might need. She picked Natsuki's toothbrush, brush and various other daily accessories and packed them as well. Despite the mess reigned in the house she quickly found everything she needed and had plenty of time still until she had to return at the hospital. Mai thought to kill of some time by cleaning the house, she fixed a couple of things in the kitchen and living, strangely the majority of things in this room was in order, and proceeded to the bedroom again. She picked the tossed in the floor clothes and placed them in the basket for laundry, changed the sheets on the bed and placed the offcast books on the book-selves. She continued with Natsuki's desk, the greatest stronghold of chaos and disorder in her friend's bedroom.

As she was piling and throwing away notebooks and papers she noticed a sealed envelope at the bottom of a pile, she took it in her hands and noticed Natsuki's handwriting and her name on it. Curiosity took the best of her and she progressed to open it, afterall the envelope was being addressed to herself. She sat on the edge of mattress and looked inside, there were several pages inside written in Natsuki's best calligraphy writing. Obviously there had to be something important imprinted on those pages if her friend had put so much effort in writing them. Hesitatingly, she withdrew the pages from the envelope and regarded them back and forth. It seemed to be a letter. Mai battled with her thoughts for a little longer, even though Natsuki meant to for Mai to know the things on this letter her friend didn't deem it was time yet. Mai sighed heavily, she wanted to give her friend the space and the opportunity to open up whenever she felt ready but the time was crucial. She chided herself that maybe amongst those words there might be things that would help Mai understand the emotional turmoil in Natsuki's heart and be able to help her overcome them. After several moments of staring blankly at the letter she sighed heavily and began to read. She just wanted to understand her friend, she didn't have to mention anything, she could simply seal the letter, put it back and wait for Natsuki to give it her properly.

***

_Mai,_

_You have always been my closest, dear friend, my only sister if you like yet I've been holding a lot of things hidden from you...even lying occasionally when you were fondly asking me what if I'm alright and I was simply answering "It's just the hectic work in the university". I didn't want to lie, I didn't want to keep you away from my troubles, my fears, my most inner battles, I had let you in before and I never regretted it but this time I couldn't find the right time or way to tell you. At first when it happened I was embarrassed to tell you, no I never thought you would be judgemental, you were never the type I knew since then you would be supportive and helpful and guide me through but I was stubborn and well as I said embarrassed so I left you in the dark. When things went downhill I could not just simply come and tell you that I was too stupid to trust you with something so unique that happened in my life because I thought you might scold me for my selection. You know me I will never admit I had been wrong even to my own self, because I'm weak and a coward and that's why I left you outside. I always thought you knew though, rather sensed something was wrong with me, something that happened while I was away for two years studying in Fuuka Academy. You couldn't figure it out though cause at some point I just stopped talking you over the phone about my life there and after we got back together I never mentioned Fuuka again. But I always saw in your eyes that worried, loving gaze of my best friend that begged me to open my heart and let my feelings reach yours. It was killing me I must say, my own personal nightmares with no-one to share, I couldn't bring myself to darken your heart as well, because I was a bonehead and didn't let you know when it all started. Now I can't bare it any longer, is ripping me apart and since I can't bring myself to tell you face to face I'm writing this, I'm going insane Mai and I don't know what else to do. But I'll stop speaking in riddles, I won't keep you at bay any longer, here is what lies deep inside my heart, what I kept secret from you and everyone else for four years..._

_My story starts four years ago when my mother got this new position in the company she was working and had to move here in Tokyo. I didn't want to come to a such big city so young, I wanted to save it as my university experience so we picked Fuuka Academy as the next best solution. I didn't want to leave from our old school, you already knot that, but there weren't any dorms for me to stay so I went there. But you aware of the details I won't bother you with what you already know. Anyway, I moved to the dorms there and was placed in the same room with an annoying red-haired girl a year younger, Nao. We didn't go along in the start but she played her role well over the two years, we came close as friends, not as close as we are but..eh..well you know. _

_The first few weeks as a second year in my new high-school was a sort of inspection of the school grounds, rules, attitudes. I needed general knowledge of the environment I was supposed to spent the next two years of my life, so I was kept only to myself and avoided everyone. I was just moving back and forth to classes and my dorm, only getting out for lunch or dinner. I didn't talk with my roommate at that time, I thought of her as a little slut she thought of me as a brute, it worked to keep me in silence. During those days we talked on the phone almost every day for several hours if you remember, you were my only source of socializing and it didn't bother me much. As the first month gone by it seemed that my untouchable, secluded, mysterious demeanor had fired the curiosity of several first and second year boys and girls and there were stalking me during lunch and dinner time. I was growing annoyed and bored. I believe this was the first day I said something more to my roommate other than "hello". I asked her if there was a way to eat in peace and avoid the mass of infatuated teenagers, she smirked sarcastically, apparently she couldn't believe how a brute like me can have such a huge success. She told me that members of big sports clubs in the Academy have special settlements for their members to allow them to even eat between practices as long as they brought their own food. I thought that could work for me, I could always pick my tray from the cafeteria and head there to eat in peace, I would only have to deal with the annoyance while waiting in the line. _

_To my greatest pleasure I found that one of the biggest sports club in the Academy was the tennis one, you remember how could I was in our own school too, so I didn't hesitate a second. The next morning, right after I had finished my classes for the day I headed to the tennis courts. The club had three large courts and behind them there was a huge building for the members only. Apart from showers and changing rooms, it had a huge living room and an extra room with chairs and tables for members to read and eat. As I found out later the club had more than twenty members, all girls, the boys had their own club but were only a few so they had a smaller court at the other side of the Academy with no special comforts. _

_Anyway...it was lunch time when I walked inside, most of the members were eating at the moment. I looked around to see if there was going to be anyone that would stop me from strolling around and take me to see their club's president. It wasn't long until a tall, dark-haired girl came to me, she introduced herself as Chie and asked me what if I was lost. I explained to her I wanted to submit and application for the tennis club, before the girl was able to answer, I heard a rude, loud voice from behind me saying that application period is over and I should come back next year. Oh, well you know me...I don't need much to lose my temper. I turned to the loud mouth girl and angrily stated that I'm not leaving without hearing the same from the club president first. Little did I know, that the blond girl with the rude voice was the vice president, but I wouldn't budge, she was still not the president, I wanted my peace from my crazy fun-crowd that I was determined to leave as a member of the club. Thinking back I maybe should have stayed with the fun-crowd or..maybe not. _

_Eh..so the blond rudely claimed she was the vice president and her word mattered as much as the president's but her words fell to deaf ears, the heat was rising as we were both were standing in the middle of the room exchanging angry curses at each other. Things were about to get a little rougher as I was continuously losing my temper, I was about to lunch at Haruka (yes, the blond, rude, loud girl) when SHE entered the room._

_Ahem, yes I will pause my narration for a moment here to explain a few things before I continue, yes I am blushing as I write this so please don't mention it when you finally read those lines. Whatever I'm about to say, whatever happened to me two years ago it's between me and a girl, her. Yes, it's a love story between me and a girl, Mai, that's why I was embarrassed to tell you then. You always teased me about falling for a girl due to my tomboy attitude and I was always got angry at you, I never thought it could happen, even if you mentioned it a thousand times I never thought I could end up with a girl, but in the end you can't simply control such things. You can't simply understand the depth of these feelings until it's too late. It might be your teasing that kept me from telling you about my relationship with that girl but I don't want you to blame yourself. It was my stupid self, I knew that even if you wanted to tease me and say "HA! I told you so!" you wouldn't once you heard the seriousness on my voice. And it was serious, very serious, it still is..._

_To continue, it was then the first time I saw her, the first time I laid my eyes on her, the first time I heard her voice carrying the distinguished Kyoto accent. Something snapped deep inside me that moment, but I didn't realize it until later, much, much later. She stood by the entrance and eyed me curiously for several minutes before inquiring what was the matter, I didn't think of it that way then as I was boiling with anger towards Haruka, but I can safely say she was checking me out that moment. Haruka turned at her and started ranting about how I told her I wanted to apply for the tennis club and she told me that applications are close and how I was disobeying her authority and blah blah I wasn't hearing much, I was fuming. And then I heard her giggle, I could swear that the distorted characteristics from my face's confused expression could make people die from laughter. She dismissed Haruka with her hand, which drove the blond-haired for another serious rambling and walked towards me. She raised her hand motioning for Haruka to stop, I distinctly remember her eyes fixed on mine, it was the first time I noticed her eyes were deep crimson. She eyed me the whole time saying to her blond friend that we shouldn't send away people with such passion like mine until we give them a fair chance. And with that she brought her hand to me for a handshake and introduced herself._

_Fujino Shizuru. Student Council President and Tennis Club President. _

_Oh she was beautiful, really beautiful, I record that from the very first moment. But the haughty smile on her lips was driving me insane. I introduced myself and as I was shaking her hand I didn't know if I wanted to thank her for giving me a chance or slap her for her smugness. From our very first meeting I knew this girl would mean trouble, but I shrugged it away as I thought it would be better to deal with one annoying person than a horde of them. Wrong. She asked me if I was any good at tennis, that self-satisfied smile never leaving her face and I could swear I sensed mockery in her tone then, my anger hadn't shimmered down yet, I was thinking which one of the two was the worst to deal with. The fractious Haruka or the honey-haired demon in front me. I wanted to punch her and walk away but I couldn't bring myself to it, I felt torn. I decided it was better to compromise for the time being and focus on my goal, peace from the infatuated mass, I could always challenge her and beat the crap out of her during a game when I got accepted, wiping that smug smile of her face for good. I drew a deep breath to compose myself, unconsciously I wanted to bring out my best self, I spoke calmly explaining that I was the leader of the tennis team in middle-school and that I had some local awards. To my disappointment she didn't show the slightest amazement, she kept her stupid smile and mocking tone as she said a "We'll see", I felt my face hot from anger. I was about to jump onto her when Chie offered herself for a match, I calmed for a second and eyed the dark-haired girl, I nodded but Shizuru wasn't satisfied. She shook her head and said that she rather watch me against Haruka. The blond smiled deviously and I was even more happy with this decision. Little did I know that I was playing her game from the start, I was falling right under her trap. She was already controlling and altering my mood with a simple whim and I was too dense to see it. _

_We played a three set game, I needed two set victories to be accepted and I made it, I won the second and the third set and became a tennis club member officially. And along with my peace, I earned a new rival Haruka and a nightmare, Shizuru._

_The next couple of months passed by fairly, I was kept being annoyed by Shizuru and I had yet to meet her in a match. Haruka wouldn't leave me alone in a game, we were always matched in practice, she always wanted a rematch and that never ended as sometimes I won and sometimes she did. We started speaking less that period, I remember telling you I joined the tennis club, I didn't say for what reason to avoid the teasing and I didn't mention much about the others members. I remember that time, Takumi's condition grew worse and you were busy preparing for his trip and taking care of money for the operation so I didn't want to bother you with trivia information about my life. Anyway, life at Fuuka continued well, I started speaking more with my roommate, I had the tennis club, I had you and didn't want more. I had as much socializing as I'd like and also time for myself. _

_Winter had come when things in my life slowly started to change. First it was my History teacher, Midori...she gave us a project regarding World War II, and separated us in groups of two. History was the only class I had with Shizuru and of course I had to end up with her in the same team. In addition to that, the tennis school tournament was coming up, guess what, for doubles I was teamed with Shizuru despite Haruka's strong objections. I couldn't believe teaming up with Shizuru for the tennis tournament was a coincidence, she was the president right? She was the one picking the couples. Yet I couldn't figure out why she would want to team up with me, since I joined the club she always had that mocking, lofty expression when she was speaking to me, like she knew I was her inferior and she also wanted me to know it as well. I many times lost my cool and challenged her but she always said calmly that I wasn't ready for her. Apparently, she meant that in more ways than one. Anyway, I ended up as Shizuru's partner in both History and tennis, which would mean studying and practicing hours together. Since then we never had spent time together, expect when we were both at the club, but never alone. Mhmm, it is difficulty to describe how the new feelings started to materialize, or should I say surfacing as I now believe it was there from the very first moment. I'll say that before we started working together I admired her, yes she was driving me nuts generally and pushed over the edge a lot fo times but I couldn't disregard the fact that she was an excellent tennis player, even if I hadn't played against her I saw her playing against others. She was elegant, smooth, fast, accurate, she never seemed to lose control inside the tennis court, she was focused on her task, her racket an extension of her arm, she was dancing. _

_So we started spending time together, it was a bit awkward at first. I was surprised to see she wasn't her confident, snobbish self when we first met in my dorm room for our history project. Nao, wasn't in the room that time. I saw her being uncomfortable when she sat down in my desk and uncontrollably hinted seductively that we were all alone. She was surprised by my tone, heck even I was when I realized it, but I didn't regret when I saw her cheeks turning pink. I was fighting to control myself from laughing as I thought that I might have found a new game and a payback method for her teasings. For the rest of that night, unashamedly I hinted flirtatious messages, it didn't take her long to reform from the new side of me and retaliate as hard as she could. Sure she blushed faintly at first, but by the end of the night the game had turned against me, I could feel my face red even hours after she had left. The days between us gone by with verbal teasings, mostly when we were alone, mostly from her unless I had managed to catch her off guard which was rarely. That new attention from her didn't bother me that much, it didn't feel as a mockery, like I was the inferior, it was more like a challenge now. Of course I was getting annoyed again and wanted to attack her right on the spot, but it was mostly because of embarrassment not anger and mostly because I was unable to counterattack her rapid teasings. Our relationship changed during those days, after a month have passed we were considered by others as really close friends. I knew also myself that we were close, yet I wouldn't describe my relationship with her the same I had with you, or the same I was starting to have with Nao. I couldn't help myself from flirting with her unconsciously and tease her when I was given an excuse, basically when we were alone I was bolder, and she also kept flirting with me, yea I acknowledge it now it was flirtling from her side, but back then I simply thought it was another type of friendship. After a month have passed she went a little further from the wordy teasing, she sometimes brushed her arm against mine when we were sitting close or hold my hand for brief moments while we were walking together. Nothing too obvious for my part, yes, now I can safely say that she felt a lot more than I did at the time or rather say she had apprehended her feelings more clear than I had. She never went further than that though, she hinted things but never openly said anything, as our special bond grew stronger I knew she was waiting for me to take the next step. She wanted me to initiate things. And so I did when I got the chance._

_We had already finished with the history project a month ago and it was the last day of the tournament. Me and Shizuru were unstoppable. We won the tournament afterall, I think I mentioned that on one of my calls, and we went out to celebrate our last day outside from the Academy. I didn't mention that but I insisted we go to a karaoke club, it was the only place that would make me feel a little bit of you by my side and I needed that part of you to be there in one of my happy days. Anyway, we ended up in the hotel and strangely I ended up in Shizuru's room. She was roomed with Haruka and I was with Chie but I was about to find out later she arranged for us to end up in the same room that night. I can't say I wasn't happy with that. When I found out that Haruka is staying with Chie that night I teased if she was planning to seduce me, she giggled and said that she wanted to spend the whole night with her most precious friend, although I could swear I saw expectation in her eyes that moment and it was all I needed. It was the first time we would sleep together..._

_Yes, the thought alone made me panic for a moment and I didn't know why. We took turns in the bathroom, showering and changing into our sleep wear. She was simply stunning in her nightgown..._

_We laid on the bed, she had her back on the mattress and her face turned at me and I was on my side prompting myself on my left arm and resting my head on my palm also looking at her. We chatted lightly at first about the game we had in the morning. We giggled a lot, the anxiety of lying together in the same bed was gone. The moon rose in the sky illuminating her face through the window and I caught myself staring at her and she was looking straight into my eyes as well. I didn't remember myself thinking much, I didn't register how my feelings came in the surface, if I given thought of them or not, I just grew affectionate. I brought my right hand to her neck and started touching the lines of her face with my finger. Her beauty in the faint moonlight amazed me..I ran my fingers through the bridge of her nose, at the side of her face to her chin and to her lips...they were so soft...Thinking about it now, oh boy I wasn't my real self, something else had possessed me. After outlining her lips for a few seconds I withdrew my hand from her face to her abdomen and leaned in for a kiss. Don't worry, don't worry I wasn't so bold...I kissed her chin and then her nose and then her cheek. A thought that she might flinch and move away crossed my mind but she didn't. I knew then she needed this intimacy as much as I did._

_ After the kisses I rested my head on her shoulder and let my hand play with her abdomen, I could feel her muscles tensed under my fingers but it wasn't the uncomfortable tension. Somehow I knew it was the tension of expectation, she was eager to see what my fingers will explore next. My hand rose higher to her chest and undid a couple of the buttons of her nightgown. I slipped my hand through and let it slide to the crook of her neck. I rested my fingertips there, playing along her neck for a while. I could say her breathing grew heavier. Then I did something I hadn't planned really, truly I didn't but gave me the opportunity I needed. I dragged my hand from her neck to her side, my destination was her ribs but as I did I brushed my palm against her breast. I heard her taking a sharp breath at that moment and her chest risen, I felt her erected nipple touching my hand. I didn't wait to think, to weight the situation, if I did I would probably have hesitated. I just rose my head from her shoulder and kissed her jawline, I moved to her cheek and I ended kissing the tip of her lips. While I touched her lips I felt her returning the kiss, a sense of euphoria I've never witnessed before overwhelmed me. My hand stood dead still capping her breast, I was too afraid to move it. I just shifted my self with my other arm, my face hovered above hers. I could feel her hot breath at my face, her smell filled my nostrils and I couldn't hold myself any longer. I leaned in and encircled her bottom lip with mine, she complied. That was all the initiative she needed from me, several moments later she deepened the kiss shortly after she whispered a "Now you are ready for me" and I understood then what she meant in the past. And that's how our first night together pass by, with passionate kisses and my hands roaming along her back while hers entwined on my hair. _

_From that moment on we almost stopped talking, I couldn't bring myself to tell you about my "girlfriend" , it was because I didn't know what to say...I knew I was falling in love but we only just had kissed a couple of times and I knew you would be asking questions and I would stuttering and I wanted to save myself from embarrassment. Shortly after you left abroad for Takumi's operation. When you returned things between me and Shizuru weren't so "innocent" anymore and well we had grew a bit apart and I didn't think it would be a decent first topic for us to discuss. I told Shizuru everything about you though and she was so eager to meet you, especially when I told her that you always find something to tease me about. _

_Um..to the point..yea. After that night everyone in the club noticed a difference in our relationship, Shizuru was more gushing in her affections towards me, but never out of line. I was as well. It was also the first time we played against each other, rather dancing on the tennis court, when we played it was more of a "catch me if you can game" than a challenging one. Nao was the first to realize our "friendship" was crossing the line, she tried to pry things out of me but I didn't say anything. I believe though my blushing was enough evidence for her. Haruka was the second to catch on, being Shizuru's roommate. Anyway! We managed to spend a few nights together in the same bed during the year doing the same thing we did the first time. It was during the carnival when we took the next step and since then we were lovers, not a different type of friends. We were completely head over heels for each other. I won't go into much details of what happened that night, I rather keep that part to myself. But Shizuru had invited me to her family place in Kyoto, her parents were away. Well the night involved a lot of things, rather say a lot of repeated things..and a strip-tease...I don't recall sleeping those two days to be honest. _

_Right, you don't want to be reading this so I'm continuing. After that we considered ourselves to be a couple, a secret couple. We didn't let anyone else know about us, sure the closest to us guessed but they didn't bother us. We were lost in our own little love world. Shortly after summer came, end of the year. After I visited my mother in Tokyo for a while I went to Shizuru's house in Kyoto again. We were together for the whole summer...yes it felt like we were on a honeymoon. I couldn't be happier and I could see her eyes gleaming with the same feeling whenever she was looking at me. When you are in love time passes by quickly, since you are too busy noticing anything else that the person you love. School was about to start again and we had to go back, to our dorms and our roommates. To both our pleasure we had more classes together this year and we sat together in all of them. We were inseparable. Our only problem was that we had limited time together for you know...desire and lust isn't something you can control at such young age. Nao almost was about to caught us in action one day...eh nevermind. _

_Things were perfect for some months more, almost half a year have passed. The decision to keep our relationship secret would come to haunt us. First it came the accident with the fungirls...I was walking to pick up Shizuru from her dorm one day when I found her outside of her door, cornered by a bunch of second-year girls. She wasn't doing much, she was just giving them her fake seductive smiles and was giggling absentmindedly at their stupid jokes. Yes, I know it wasn't much but here is another thing you can't control when you are a teenager...jealousy. I stormed at her direction and grabbed her from the arm, pushing away the stupid bunch of girls. They scattered when they saw the look in my eyes and I pushed Shizuru inside her dorm. That was our first fight, I yelled and blamed her for flirting behind my back, she called me a paranoid. I got angrier and blamed her again, she told me that since our relationship was secret she couldn't drive away the fun-horde being a council president and all, I yelled something about bullshit and I slammed my fist on the door, she called me insane and asked me to leave. Before I did, I turned and kissed her violently..at the end I didn't leave her dorm as she requested me in the beginning and we ended up doing other things. _

_The second fight was initiated by her..the reason was a moron I had never seen in my life before. We had just left practice with Shzuru and we were heading for our dorms when that moron, Takeda, approached us and asked if he could speak with me in private. To cut it short, I nodded and he took me a bit further away to ask me on a date but I kindly reclined, he shook my hand and took off and I returned to walk with Shizuru. Right now if you ask me why I acted so kindly towards him that day I can't really answer, although I believe I was being normal.. When I reached Shizuru again she wasn't the same person with five minutes ago, her expression was dark, her lips firmly pressed together. I got worried and asked her if she was feeling alright and that did it..She mockingly implied something about me having a new lover, I told her that she must be out of her mind. She glared at me and again with a mocking tone implied that I claimed to be an anti-social loner yet at the first chance of a boy flirting at me I turned into an infatuated school-girl. Ehm, I needed that much..I started cursing at her that she had no right to speak to me like that while she was flirting with every piece of trash fangirl on this school and I called her a slut..._

_Moments later she had run off and I stood alone wondering if I hurt so much because of the strength of her slap landing on my face or because of the harsh stupid words I said to her. Haruka came in my dorm that night and asked me to go comfort Shizuru, she was crying the whole afternoon. I heavily walked to her dorm, when she opened the door and saw her swollen eyes my heart sunk. I had hurt the person I loved the most...I was about to apologize openly and fall to my knees if needed for the first time of my life but I didn't have the chance, she grabbed me and pulled me inside her room. She kissed me like never before and led me to bed. Yes, it was like never before..I didn't feel that utter, unconditional love that used to envelope us during our summer sessions. I felt something else...carnal desire and possession. It didn't bother me then, it was something new. After all I needed her to be mine and absolutely mine and me to be absolutely hers. _

_And that's how our relation changed again and acquired that new motive, lustful and possessive during our courses in bed, affectionate and cuddly when we were away from curious eyes and not in bed. If I am to give a reasoning for this change, I'll say it was our egos emerging. For more than half a year, after that night in the tournament all we cared for is to be one with each other. We let ourselves sank to what we wanted to feel boundlessly. But the world doesn't consist only from you and the person you love and when you fall madly in love you forget to built boundaries to protect what you have, you are left open for others to raven what you hold most dear in your heart. The green monster of jealousy came to remind us that we left the doors of our hearts open and so our long forgotten egos came up to defend us from getting hurt but they also managed to get between us. _

_Occasionally we fought, out of jealousy always, the words we exchanged harsher than our first two times but I can't remember her crying over it ever again, neither did I. After all we couldn't keep our hands off each other for quite long, maybe partly we fought because the make up sex was always better after a fight, always more intense. Days have gone by like this and a couple more months passed. One day we ended up alone in my dorm, I can't remember how now and it doesn't matter, we were lying in my bed after a hot intercourse looking both at the ceiling. I was ignorant of her thoughts, mine were simple, I was satisfied. I wasn't prepared for the words she uttered that moment, not at all prepared. She kept starting at the ceiling, she didn't even look at me, not once. "I wish I had the strength to stop myself from being with you" Upon hearing them I froze, my eyes should have been wider than saucers, my nails dug deep inside my palms, I wanted to scream, cry, curse, break. I gathered all the will I could master and asked "why" as calmly as I could, I asked like I didn't care of her answer. I could sense my voice trembling though and my eyes were staring intently at her face, she on the other hand was expressionless and focused on the damn ceiling. "Because I cannot control myself when I'm around you, I cannot control the intense feelings I feel for you, I am losing myself when I'm with you and it kills me that I cannot express that strong feelings openly" It was a confession but it didn't feel like that, I'm sure it wasn't meant to be heard as one. I said a simple cold "Ah" and nothing more, my eyes started to fill with tears but I held them at bay, I wouldn't break in front of her, I didn't even turn my back on her, it would show weakness. I just stared at the ceiling again and waited for her to turn her back. I did shortly after and let the tears fall uninterruptedly. _

_I cried the whole night, cried soundlessly, the emotions in my heart were in disarray..doubt, fear, angst, despair, I felt I was losing her and I had no idea of what to do. I thought of us stepping out of the closet but I concluded that this will lead to more problems in the future. Her strict parents would never allow us to be together. We never spoke of what she said that night, it was like it never happened. I ended up that if I acted indifferent and kept igniting her jealousy I would be able to hold her, until the end of the year and then we would be able to mend the cuts between us while we were at university. Yes, that was our plan way back then, go to Tokyo together, live together. My plan didn't work, she didn't bite, or she did..I could see her turning gloomy and more depressed every day, even hurt but she never said a word. She was oppressing her feelings of jealousy to show me that she cared not. I was getting frustrated but showed nothing as well. And days gone by like this, until the worst day of my life came and my worst fear materialized. It was once again in my room, she had come for a homework. We had just finished and we stayed in silence, something was looming I could tell. Seriously I felt my life flashing before my eyes when she turned at me and said "I can't continue like that anymore, Natsuki, I need a break" I stared wide eyed, I opened my mouth several times to say something but I couldn't. I felt tears running to my cheeks, how very weak of me, I gritted my teeth, she tried to reason with me this was for the best, that we weren't happy anymore, that we needed a break "If you love someone let him go" she said, "if he comes back he will be forever yours, if he doesn't it means you never had him" _

_My anger rose, she was daring using quotes at a time like this, how lame. I lost control, I stood up and slapped her as hard as I could and took off crying. She chased after me and begged me to wait, I didn't listen, my heart was shattered, she shattered it, I felt beaten, devastated...alone. I was running in the hallway, I could tell she was running after me. And then I bumped into Takeda, he looked down at me with worry, I stopped to look at him and could sense Shizuru was nearing. I didn't give much thought to my following actions, I only thought that if the thing I was about to do would bring even the slightest pain to Shizuru I would gladly give it to her. And so I grabbed Takeda and kissed him as passionately as I could. I turned to look at a dumbfounded Shizuru, a hurt Shizuru, a demolished Shizuru. I would be smiling with triumph at my success to cause her the pain she caused to me a few minutes ago if I hadn't noticed something else in her eyes, determination. Oh, we were done...so very done. _

_That night I cried with loud sobs, I didn't sleep, I could tell Nao often came to my doorstep to check out on me. I suppose she knew but never said anything, I didn't want her to say anything anyway. The next day came and I had to face my demons. I walked into my first class, she was already there sitting at our desk, looking out of the window. I waited for the teacher outside and asked to be excused. I needed drastic measures, I was decided to have her out of my life if I was to ease the throbbing pain in my heart. Before the end of the day and after much effort I managed to change classrooms from all the classes I had with Shizuru. The excuses I brought up for this were laughable at least but it got the job done. One thing was left to do, bail out from the tennis club. I went the time I knew Shizuru won't be there. Haruka wasn't happy to hear about it, she tried to change my mind, she tried to tell me that she couldn't do anything without the approval of the president. I suppose she also knew and in the end she didn't deny me my wish. She could see when a battle was lost. Anyway, that's how the worst days of my life started to pass by. I don't remember much of myself during that period, I was a shade. I remember often sleeping in the same bed with Nao, I couldn't be alone, I was crying myself to sleep and waking up screaming all of the sudden. Nao never asked, she bore with me and comforted me silently. I went to classes as late as I could to avoid meeting her in the hallway, not late enough to get detention though and end up in the council room with her. I joined the kendo club to keep myself occupied (beating things up helped), oh yes I was Takeda's girlfriend at the time, don't ask why, maybe because I couldn't be alone (he made a good servant) and maybe because I knew it would hurt her to know I was with him. We never progressed further than making out though, I couldn't bring myself to it. _

_Weeks passed and I stopped crying myself to sleep. I spent a lot more time with Nao and her friends and with Takeda. Amazingly I had managed to not see her once during those weeks and I faintly believed I was getting over her. Poor, naïve me. After one and a half month rumors reached my ears that Shizuru was dating the student council vice president, Reito. Something started eating my insides, I had to find out so I altered my daily routine and started hanging out in places she might go during the day. It didn't take long. I caught them kissing outside the cafeteria one day, it felt like someone ripped my chest apart with a spoon, pulled my heart out and tossed it in the trash can. I wonder now if she had felt the same when she saw me kissing Takeda. Anyway, I cried again that night and cursed myself for being so stupid and wanting to find out. The image of them kissing haunted my dreams and my moronic imagination took things further, I couldn't stop myself from thinking him touching her intimately, kissing her at spots only I did and roaming his hands to places only I have been. I was going insane again. _

_I managed to kept my sanity almost intact when the carnival came. Most of the students have gone to visit their parents, I know she had. Chie, Nao and a friend of theirs Aoi have stayed, so did I. They were a good distraction and when I achieved to keep my thinkings away from how I was one year ago, I had fun. I played tennis with Chie, chatted and laughed with all of them and told stories of ourselves when we were younger. For the first time after a long time, I felt...normal. I was often spacing out though and I remember Nao nudging me back to reality, at times she teased like you did, always avoiding though to make any implication regarding her and I starting feeling alive. My happiest and most hopeful thought that period was that school was about to end soon and I would be away. I wanted to get away from the memories of this place, I just wished time could pass quickly and uneventful. Strangely my wish was granted. Soon came graduation, which I avoided cause I knew she would give a speech as the student council president. I couldn't avoid the graduation party though, Nao dragged me to it. I was stressed that I might walk into her that night and I kept thinking how should I react. Luckily I never did and I succeed in having fun again, another cheerful fact of that night is that I broke up with Takeda. Why cheerful you might ask..well I told you that I first got involved myself with him to not be alone. I never had feelings for the poor guy and I always thought he was a moron and frankly over time I came to blame him for breaking up with her. Yes, I know egoistic, but I always thought that if it wasn't for him, if I hadn't walked straight into him that day, I wouldn't have kissed him and my anger towards her would simmer down and we would be able to work things out. Selfish eh? To blame someone else for your immaturity but thinking that way helped me from not falling apart. _

_Anyway, that's how my years in Fuuka Academy ended, with some good last memories and with great pain in my heart. I made it to Tokyo University of Economics but you already know that since we are together there. Seeing and living with my mother again and also having you back helped me greatly to overcome the sorrow inside me. I never stopped thinking about her, I never stopped loving her and wanting her back. I tried to forget as hard as I could but things kept happening and I couldn't. You could always tell something was bothering me but you didn't ask and I didn't tell you. Well you know how I was and how I was acted when were together those last two years so I will tell you what you don't know. The few facts that happened in my life and the troubled thoughts in my head. _

_Two or three months after university courses had started, about a year ago I had stopped with my bike outside a cafeteria to get me a cup. I walked inside and headed to the counter when I saw her..She was sitting on a table with probably a friend. Our eyes met, I froze in my place terrified, she stood up and run towards me throwing her hands around my neck, she kissed me slightly on the neck and whispered my name against my ear dearly. I shivered under her embrace, my face was buried deep inside her locks and her sweet scent invaded my lungs, out of breath I called her name and waveringly I placed my arms around her waist. I remember my knees shaking, I felt like I was living a dream, like what I had in my arms was nothing more than an illusion that could vanish at the roughest movement. We stayed like this for a few seconds and then she broke the embrace, she looked at me and smiled fondly, I can tell it was one of her genuine smiles. She grabbed my hand and dragged me to her table, she introduced me to her friend as -A- friend from high-school. I felt disappointment at that, but didn't let it override the joy I was feeling by seeing her again, the happiness I felt for feeling her hand holding mine again. I don't remember her friend at all, not her name not even if it was a she or a he, I couldn't care less, my eyes were focused strictly on her image. We tossed a few words, she told me she's attending Tokyo's Law School, yes it was her dream and I was happy for her. She seemed very pleased to find out that I was in Tokyo as well. To cut it short we exchanged cell phone numbers and I took off. I skipped classes that day in university, you might remember cause you called to check out on me. I just wanted to proceed and register in my mind everything from our short meeting that day. _

_I couldn't keep myself from gaining hope, hope for reunion, hope that the dreams we once made to come and live together in the big city of Tokyo might come true. I was chopfallen the next day as she didn't call. And the next and the next. My hopes were fainting away and I felt myself sunk in sadness again. I doubted my sanity for one more time, I was sure I saw old loving emotions in her eyes that day but the fact she wasn't calling me, filled me with misgivings. A week passed before I saw her phone number flashing on my screen, I didn't let it ring for a second time, I didn't care if she thought I was eager to hear her..cause well I was. We met in silent restaurant for lunch, I was happy to see her again but I couldn't ignore the anxiety passing between us both. We wanted to talk our hearts out, find out everything that happened to one other all this time but we didn't dare ask. As much as I wanted to find out if she still felt anything about me I was afraid to ask and hear anything that had to do with her and another lover, afraid to find out if there was someone else important in her life now, more important than I was. I didn't want to know, it would tear me apart, I sensed the same from her so our conversation perplexed generally around university, Tokyo and plans. General ambition plans, nothing too personal, never too personal._

_ When we were done I offered her a ride home, I didn't want our time together to end. To my surprise she invited me upstairs..I hesitate at the start, she saw that and stated she was staying alone. No tease, no flirt in her tone. Well, I went, I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to be with her a little longer. She served us tea and we sat in silence. The atmosphere was heavy, stuffy I couldn't avoid my emotions any longer I needed to know. I turned to her and asked her if she still thought of me, she didn't look back at me, she just lowered her head and said "Every moment of the day" How, how words, plain words can hurt so much. I will never figure it out I guess. I wanted to scream at her, WHY, why did you leave me if you think of me so much. Why didn't you come back, why you avoid looking into my eyes..why...so many questions was going on in my head, so many frustrating questions and I voiced not a single one of them. I placed my tea cup on the table and buried my face in my palms. Next thing I knew she took my hands off my face, wrapped her arms around my neck, pushed me to lay with my back against the couch pillows and laid atop of me. My heart was pounding so fast it was like it wanted to break through my body's boundaries. She leaned in and kissed my lips, softly, tenderly and then passionately. Everything that happened that afternoon, felt almost like our first time. Every kiss, touch, moan, scream, everything was tender, affectionate, loving, caring. Everything was the same except the fact that I didn't give in completely like our first time and she didn't either. We both kept something back this time. _

_When I returned home that night I was flying above clouds, I am a simple person as you know. I am no good at mind games, I am no good at the battle of emotions and whenever I tried I messed up badly. So I took things as they were. And after our session I could understand only one thing, we were together again. Of course I still had my doubts and fears but I thought we will conquer them together. Once again together. _

_Again, poor, naïve me. It wasn't long before my world crumbled into pieces once again. I called her the next day and she didn't pick up. And the next and the next. I got a message from her saying she was busy and that was it. For a whole month. I'm dense but not that dense I got the meaning. It was an one night session or an afternoon one. I tried to make myself hate her for playing with me like this. Better blame her and save myself. But even if I came to despise her tactics against me, I couldn't deny that I would fall for her trap again if it was to spend another night in her arms. _

_Several months have passed before hearing from her again. We met in a cafeteria, we sat and discussed like strangers they just met in the airport and wanted to kill time. What had happened that afternoon, months ago, was meant to be forgotten. Like it never happened. We met several times that period, for coffee or tea, lunch, dinner. Nothing more and it always hurt like hell, having her right in front of me but not being able to touch her, wanting her to know how much I loved her still but so afraid to say it cause if I do she might go away again. Why did I do it you might ask...well it was my only chance to see her face. Even if I was starting to forget her smell, the texture of her skin, the touch of her lips against mine I didn't mind I just couldn't bear the thought that someday I might forget her face...I wouldn't survive if I couldn't remember every single line of her face. _

_One day we ended up in her place again, I sat on the couch and she offered to make us dinner. We ate and while she was washing the dishes I absentmindedly looked around her study room. I was checking her college books when a box at the bottom of the shelf drew my attention. I recognized that box, it used to hold a stuffed animal I gave her as a present during the carnival, our only carnival together. I sat on the floor, took it in my lap and opened it. What I found inside almost made me cry, pictures of us, love letters we exchanged, a tea cup I gave her as a present, tape with mixed songs I made for her and the silver ring with the amber stone that I slipped in her finger the day I said "I love you" After our break up I had burnt and destroyed every little present she gave me, every little evidence that reminded me of her. I always thought she would do the same, I never believed she would keep all these, she was the one that wanted away after all. Tears were about to escape my eyes when I felt her hand on my shoulder, she took the tape and played it on the tape recorder. The room was filled with the music of love songs, every single one of those songs had a special meaning for us, it marked a specific event of when we were together. That was its purpose when I made it, to remind her of those moments if we ever were apart. We watched the pictures together in silence, after a couple of them baring more intimate moments I couldn't bear look at them anymore. I rose and sat on the couch, I closed my eyes and focused on the music. _

_Soon she joined me and rested her head on my lap, it was the first time after a long time that I came so close to her again, emotionally and physically. I didn't dare to touch her, even though I wanted it so much. No, I just stayed put with my arms spread on the back of the couch, feeling her hot breath on my thighs. I let my tears fall then, when she wasn't watching. So close and yet so far away. I would gladly die that moment if I was to have a glimpse of her thoughts. I would gladly die to know she was loving me still. I just only needed that from her, to know she was still loving me, to know I was still the most important person in her life, to know I always be the most important person in her life. I didn't care if we were to be together or not, I only wanted to know that. Selfish again, yea. But it was only fair I guess. I had given her my heart and I only wished to know I had hers...forever. I don't know how much time we sat like this, when the music stopped I thought she was asleep. I made to free myself from under her head and I heard her grumble, I still don't know if the words that escaped her mouth that moment said them awake or in her sleep. "Stay with me, don't leave me" My mind registered the words as to the closest thing of "I still love you" I will ever hear from her again. With a miserable smile on my face I closed my eyes and we slept like this. I woke in the middle of the night and took off. _

_The next day it was the only time I didn't wait anxiously for her to call. I knew she wouldn't and I didn't mind. It was because of what she said that night, 'Stay with me, don't leave me" It came as closure, no, not closure for my love for her, I wasn't over her, I will never be. Closure for my doubts for her feelings, I don't know why I took the phrase as a confession of love, maybe it felt like it and as I said I would be content to know she was still loving me. Maybe it was just an excuse to fool my selfish self but oh well it worked somewhat. She called me two weeks after to tell me she'll be away from Tokyo for a while and that we'll talk when she gets back. _

_And that's about it, that's my story. This is what happened during my years in Fuuka and this is what troubled me and what I held hidden from you. I know what you are thinking, she hadn't called yet. And it's been umm...three months and sixteen days. Yes, I'm pathetic! Phew, I feel lighter now that I wrote all these things down, even if you don't know yet I feel better. I started this letter with a heavy heart, I was lost and confused but not anymore. God, I so wish I had told you about it sooner. Now I only have to find the right time to just give you the letter...and then crawl and hide in a hole. _

_I'm sorry Mai, for keeping you away, I'm so very sorry. If I made you hate or dislike Shizuru through this, please don't. She might have hurt me, but I have hurt her too. It's still the person I love the most and I will always love her with the same passion. I don't believe she ever wanted to hurt me really, I believe she loved me as much as I do and I want to believe she still loves me that much. So don't blame her please. For so long I was lost in my doubts, selfishness and fears, for so long I blamed her for my sad state. It never crossed my mind to think about her pain, about her motives, her doubts, her fears. I might find out someday if I master the courage to ask her. If I manage the courage to face my demon. She might have brought me to the edge of insanity with her whims and her indecisions but she also helped me mature and something even more, she showed me how it is to love and be loved. Sure it hurt like hell, still hurts but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I just believe my poor heart reached its limits and the strong emotions are needed to be shared to escape the heart attack. Anyway, that's all..._

_P.S Apologies if my thoughts were too scattered and confused you, it's hard for me to express simple thinking verbally, imagine how hard it was for me to explain two of the greatest emotions, love and pain on a piece of paper! _

_P.S2 Nao is in Tokyo and wants to meet you. _

_***_

Mai folded the pages, putted them back inside the envelope and placed the letter on the desk again. She wiped the tears off her face and left the apartment.

***

Mai was gone for three hours already to pick up the things from my apartment and I was starting to worry. My body felt sore, my head was ringing. My mother was asleep and I didn't have anything to occupy myself. I fidgeted in my bed and felt the throbbing pain in my ribs, I cursed inwardly at Mai for taking so long to come and making me worry. Several minutes passed and then I heard footsteps outside my door, I felt soothed inside. I waited for my red-haired friend to open the door and scold me for being awake. The time between the halt on the footsteps and the door's opening took longer than it should. When Mai entered the room her head was hunging, I was really worried now. I called her name and she rose her face to look at me. Her eyes, were red and swollen...she was crying. I tried to lift my torso on the bed making a hurtful grimace, Mai quickly came to my side and held my hand firmly. The squeezing movement startled me and I turned to look at her and then I saw her eyes clearly. Yes, swollen and red bearing emotions of understanding, sorrow, love, affection, friendship and I knew...she had read the letter.

I smiled faintly and squeezed her hand knowingly against mine. "Mai..." I said breathlessly, "The accident was just an accident...I was just in a hurry" and with that she broke into tears again.

I sighed in relief and laid back on my pillow. Mai knew and I felt peace.

* * *

**Notes: **I might have used the same words over and over again during the letter and syntax also might be a bit off at times but I didn't bother much with it. Afterall its a letter of a friend addressing another friend, explaining her feelings and fears. Formality and construction shouldn't exist to my opinion always:p

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.


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